the life of a nerd in geek clothes

I hate people who think that they are too good for something. Get over yourself dammit.

I have made the executive decision that I have enough music that a HUGE iPod is required so that I can just go to a party and have the tunes go for hours. 60 fucking gigs is a lot. I have 7.17 gigs of specific dance music alone, and if I were to open that up to my choice in dancing music it grows by the 10s of gigs. I want to just show up to some place some day put my music on and have people dance without me having to do anything.


Of course now I have to sample it all. I'm like a dealer or something.

I guess everything really does balance out. For the great monday I had, tuesday and tonight were super super shitty.

I don't know whether that makes me afraid of good things or not. I seem destined to not be happy for extended periods of time.

Isn't it funny that your chest hurts so much after crying? It's almost as though your body doesn't want you to forget.

I need a bus to run me over.

When I look at a mirror I get lost in it. I only vaguely know who I am looking at. This is not some sort of introspective trip, but it's honesty. I find it hard to believe that the person I see in the mirror is myself.

I look at "myself" and study the image. It both amuses me and confounds me. I don't think of myself by what I see. I think of myself by what I know is in my head. Frankly I don't know how suprised I would be if I saw someone else looking back at me one day.

It almost saddens me that I don't believe what people see as "me." I am not terribly happy with what people see compared to what I wish to be seen as.

Maybe I should just cut my hair.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to stay up the whole night. No biggie, just felt like doing it. Ever since then I have been in a better mood. Today I may have found out why.

Many people know about the Seasonal Depression that comes with the winter months. One of the treatments is forcing a person to stay up a whole night to reset their internal clocks and get them back on a circadian rythem the way we're supposed to be. During winter the cycles get fucked up because of how much light their is. I had suspicions that lack of light may have been leading me into a depressive cycle, but I wasn't sure, or I may not have wanted to believe it.

All of this is speculation, of course, it hasn't been completely successful, as I had a breakdown the other night. However, I have been happier in the past few days than I have in the past several months. I am starting to identify people as my friends, and I worry less and less about being "that guy" who annoys people by being there.

As I walk around campus I run into all sorts of friends of mine, and it is truly a nice feeling. Either way, whether this is becuase winter has ended, because of my new feelings towards other people, or because of my reset, I have rarely been better.

Now soon this will all change probably, as I have so much work to do. Either way, it was fun while it lasted.

Makes me really wish I had gotten checked out for depression when I was feeling so down. I hope I can help other people to get checked. I will be myself as soon as I find out where the damn office is, last time I tried to go the room I was told to go to turned out to be a computer lab.

I'm definitely losing my hearing. I like my headphones.

Got a job, thought I should mention that. I'm TAing the Astronomy lab. So far it's a blast.

Funny how things just end up working out. I don't have to try for things to just work themselves out. I got the best GPA I've ever seen by my name last quarter, and I only bought 1 book and I did less ork than ever before. Figures.

well I have class at 1 and I have math homework to do before that. oh and jon is comin' over. we;ll see how this all works out. Shouldn't be all that bad, though I have much more difficult work this quarter than I've ever even seen before. Luckily I have a very nonchalant attitude, so I won't freak out for at least another week or so.

check, check. alright, now for a relationship.

My friends are mature. College is nice. I approve.

It may not be perfect, but when the quarter is over it sure feels that way. Relaxation at its best.

Miscommunication occured, shall be dealt with. nice.





fyi I decided to stay up all night. not bad actually.

There are times when it is not a good idea to be begging for attention. get the fuck out and let us work sometime eh?

I was going to write about why I argue so much, but then I realized that there was something more important about me that I should admit.

I don't usually try for anything. As far back as I can remember, no matter how much I try to make something happen it usually has a way of just happening on its own. If I strive for a position or try to get a good grade or something of that nature, it doesn't really work out the way I expected, however, if I let go of my ambition, if I don't force the issue things just come to me. I have in essence two jobs that just contacted me so that I can work for them. Mind you, these aren't important jobs and they aren't going to get me anything but a little cash in my pocket, but they came to me. When I go out to try and get a job, making a resumé, checking the listings, going to interviews, everything, I usually don't get squat. Here however, I simply poked in a few holes and had these people offer me jobs either as a friend, or as someone in need. Both of them I want, one is as TA for the astronomy course, and the other is training as a radio DJ for the school station (which would eventually lead to me getting my own show). I didn't apply, I didn't push the issue, and yet tonight I start my re-training in astronomy.

I had these things given to me. Same goes for just about everything else. I don't try anymore, I expect things to just work themselves out. Is it bad that I have seemingly no ambition? I have it otherwise I wouldn't have directed my hole poking in the particular areas that I did. It does make me look like a slacker however. I really never have to work for anything if this keeps up. Is that a bad thing? What else would I do? From my point of view, if I never try for anything, my future will just come to me. It's enough for a person to almost believe in a destiny.

Either way I have finals this week. Astrobiology tomorrow, and more than a couple of papers too. I'm gonna try and finish everything tonight so I can chill for the rest of the week. Even if I don't finish tonight, I know everything will work itself out. It always does.

Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na


All you used to do was put me down
But I found a way to pick myself up off the ground
And all you used to do was criticise me
But now I found the good and I emphasise ya see

You would always get so sensitive
And try to turn your transgressions into my guiltiness
But now I'm certain of the way I live
And what I'm responsible for in this twisted game

And it's such a shame
That you try to make pain
Another word for my name
Whether giving or receiving
It's one the same
Just one more link
In your long-ass chain
But it's time to break
This frame and my strengthful will
Time to jump off this negative cycle we've built
Gave my heart
But my self-respection you won't steal
Now it's time to let ya know if you can hear me feel me

Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na

So I asked my momma for her two cents
And then I asked my little sister and I asked my friend
Then I asked my poppa once and I asked him again
Came two little consensus from all them opinions
That life is too short to be unhappy
And since I know what I'm worth there'll be no settling for dirt
Knowing what I deserve is gold
If I want diamonds then I can't settle for coal

Maybe I was just too strong to let go
Maybe I was just too weak to let it show
Maybe I was just too stubborn to say "No"
But whatever the case I can't take it no more

Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na

Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na

Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na
Na, na na, na na na, naaa na na, na na na

Sometimes I think maybe we'll patch it all up
Like a favourite pair of jeans that you won't give up on
Or maybe one of these arguments will make up
And start again like when we started this up
Back when everything was fresh
And every moment a blessing
I'd laugh at all of your jokes
You'd listen to my suggestions
One mind, one soul,
With common decimation
Now we can't help but fight over the direction

it sucks to have someone you like drop you quickly for someone totally different and then when that doesn't work out, leave then try to warm back up to you.

fuck off. when I saw through you I realized you weren't right for either me or my friend. Also you should learn how to talk without flirting. I know I'm sure trying, and I'm doing quite well too.

So you know what? Fuck that shit.

It's bullshit anyway and I'm sick and tired of caring. Nothing has ever come of it. I'm still here. I'm still waiting. So fuck it. Seriously screw all of the conceptions people have about anything. Come at me philosophically, but I just don't care.

I'll always be here. I'm always around. So, pull this shit and enjoy the shit on your hands, I'm gonna take it and you aren't getting any fucking satisfaction from it.

Just try it.


Fuck it.

I don't like being everybody's bitch, but that's what I'm good at.

Whether they need my stuff for god knows what or they want to berate me without my permission, or just in general treat me like shit, I never seem to do anything about it. I could say no, but that doesn't solve anything. I could challenge them as to why they like beating people up for fun or whatever, but that wouldn't solve anything.

I guess what I'm doing, without even noticing it is I'm just letting them do this so that someday I'll be ablke to get to the level that they'll listen when I say to stop.

That's like my idea of the good politician. doing bad things so that someday they'll be able to change things so that it won't happen again. Sooner or later we all forget what we got into all of this for and simply accept our place, even if we say differently.

So I'm here. In my mind abused and misused, with no end in sight. In the real world that may not be the case, but since my mind gives insight into my interactions and essentially is the world around me, as that is all I see, where is the exit? When does the end come? When can I let go?

This shit pisses me off. No matter what I do, I always end up losing or getting hurt, be it physically or emotionally.

So why am I writing here then? It isn't going to make me realize anything I don't already know. I suppose it's because it is like telling someone what I think.

I'm sitting here next to a window. I know that I will never be like any of the people that walk by all day. just as some of them aren't like anyone else. Still, it fills me with a sense of loneliness, I feel that they all have so much more going for them than I do. People have told me the same kind of things about myself, but I simply cannot believe them. I don't feel that there is anything out there for me. nothing, I can't see myself moving on, I don't see myself having a job of any value, I don't see a future with happiness or love.

Fuck this. I'm so sick of feeling like a piece of shit and not doing anything about it.

I had a dream last night where, smong many other things, I had to give my external Hard drive back to the school. Now the other subjects of the dream are far more personal, but this was the only one where I was geniunely relieved when I woke up and realized that it was mine.

I just didn't know where I would put everything. And I was confused as to how I could have been so stupid about computer hardware and not bought it for myself.

I felt like an idiot.

I cleaned my room the other day. I had nothing to do, so I cleaned. I don't know whether I should ever do it again. Now that (once again) I have nothing to do, I can't push stuff around on my floor. there's no fun jumping around the piles of clothes and garbage that I had before. It's quite boring. All of my clothes get folded or hung up and put away, and the papers that used to make sliding on the floor possible are gone. I can loo straight out from my chair to the hallway without thinking "thats my stuff. I have things, and should wash them." I don't know, I seem listless at the moment. I have some chocolate to my right but I feel no inclination to have any fun. It is no longer an adventure to scavange for food, it is all plain before me.

I need the internet back. The school took it away, and I forgot where to go to get it back. such a bitch.

it is eyeopening when you realize that not everybody has to go through something that you thought was regular and normal.

There are things in life that we go through that seem normal. They hurt and they don't seem to make any sense, but you put up with them because you either don't know anything different, or you assumed that people everywhere went through the same thing and it simply accepted.

Later on in life these events might come up in casual conversation, and you realize that no one else ever had that happen to them. it hurts to thinkii that for so long you put up with something that you hated because you thought you were supposed to when in fact anyone else who had known better would have stood up and fought with this hurtful thing.

Ignorance, it seems, is bliss for everybody involved. if a person doesn't know any better you can treat them however you wish and they will endure because they have a misguided sense of what reality is.

When the world as you knew it becomes apparent, and you finally come to grips with the lie that was truth to you, emotions bubble over. betrayal is a hurtful feeling. Silly and stupid as it is, ignorance does seem to excuse somewhat the betrayed person.

When reality unveils itself, you begin to question the other things in your life. it can turn everything upside down in the search for truth. One event could be many, and you have no idea anymore where the lies end.

In doing this to a trusting person who knew no better the betrayer has complete control over that person's future self. You will always be expecting something and when it does not occur, you feel as though you are in an unfullfilling relationship. you will leave in search of what, to you, seemed like normalcy.

The betrayed now feels their own embarassment at being taken so completely. They feel like worthless scum for not seeing the truth that should have been before them. You realize how wrong you were, how wrong you always had been, even when you thought you were right. no matter what, there is always this sense of complete stupidity and foolishness that prevades everyday life.

You grow to fear ever having something like that happen again, you distance yourself from anything that could cause you that pain, even though through another you could learn truth and become healed.

This is the ulmitmate revenge. To invert reality so completely as to throw one's entire being in to question and doubt. the power one weilds should never be underestimated, lest the guilt of one's conscience finally overcomes them.

In the end I hope there is justice for all.

So heres the thing I have about drinking. I don't mind it if you aren't an idiot or irresponsible about it. By that I mean that people want to do things but they get drunk so that it is acceptable for them to do it. They don't do it sober because they are afraid of it. They don't want to do something they will regret until they have an excuse for it. And if it happens to work out then the alcohol looks like it helped them say what was on their mind. However, if things don't work out, then they can say it was the alcohol talking.

This is ridiculous. People shoud say and do what they want, what they feel. If they only do it because they have been drinking, then they will never be able to free themselves from their self-imposed prison of the drink.

People drink to have a good time. I don't have a problem with that unless you think that in order to have a good time you have to drink. That's straight up silly.

Stop hiding behind the excuse of being intoxicated. You don't have to be. There is nothing wrong with going out and having a little fun. If you find fun while drinking, cool. Just stop being an irresponsible idiot about it.

I hope this clarifies why i treat some people harshly sometimes when they are drinking.


I always feel like a dick when everyone else is drinking and I'm not. I hate that.

This day i swear is taking forever. makes me think I should do my homework, but no, I think I'd rather complain about how it has been the 6th for two days straight.

On another more serious matter I really need to go in and get a psych evaluation. tomorrow they are giving out free ones that are just drop ins so everybody can get some help. I believe that they go from 11 to 2. Great!

Hmm thats odd I don't think I can go. Know why? Because thats the middle of the day and I have class!

Shit. I really have been needing to go in and see them, as I have been noticing exactly what I have been thinking as of late. trippy stuff. scary stuff. damn.

It is disconcerting to hear people having sex in the next building.